Men, Stupidity, and Splinters
by DarkHybridChild
Summary: "Dude, I think I've got splinters in places there shouldn't be splinters!" He whined. Chrom let out a tired snort and was slowly picking some of the larger splinters out of his skin already. "Shut up and take it like a man, Vaike." ChromxVaike.


_**Men, Stupidity, and Splinters.**_

**Timeline:** Awakening.

**ChromxVaike**

For Isadora of FEF.

Her challenge: "It can be any pairing as long as you make use of the Log."

Well... Did you honestly expect something normal from me? xDDD Sorry to burst your bubble if you did.

So does anyone remember in the beginning when Vaike mentions it was only "once/a few times" that he lost his Axe? Yeah, this is sort of playing off of that. xD

But, uh, seriously. You totally set yourself up for what you're gonna get. Buckle up, hold on tight, and pray you don't lose your sanity. xD

And make sure you don't lose your dentures, peeps! *shot again*

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><p>"You can't be serious," Chrom exclaimed exasperatedly, bringing one hand up from his waist to rest against the side of his temple in attempt to ward away the sudden surge of pain that was developing at how utterly stupid Vaike could be. He could almost swear that Vaike did this on purpose so he would get out of his daily thrashing.<p>

He'd gone and misplaced his training axe. Again. _For the fifth time this week_.

"Honestly, man! I just had it! I think someone's just messin' with me and magicking them away or something when I turn away! Must be Tharja and her creepy hexes, she's got a thing for doin' that kind of stuff!" Vaike exclaimed, hands waving frantically about as he defended himself at the Lord's less than thrilled statement.

Chrom merely sighed again in response to the Fighter's reply. "For the last time, Vaike, Tharja didn't do it. She's too..." Chrom trailed off, brows furrowing. "...Occupied, in following Robin."

The mental image of the Dark Mage giggling in that creepy way as she followed Robin's every move, either physically or with just her eyes was more than enough to weird Chrom out. How Robin dealt with their bonafide stalker was another matter entirely and the Lord had to wonder just how they even got a moment of privacy or a moment alone with their lover with how driven and tenacious Tharja was in stalking them.

Shaking himself from the image, he pinned Vaike with a glare for a moment that had the other throwing his hands up again in a helpless gesture and shrugged. Finally, after a long moment of him just giving Vaike his best 'you are a total idiot' glare, sighed and turned his head, crossing his arms and tapped his fingers against his arm in thought.

"So, uh...what now?" Vaike slowly asked.

"I'm thinking of that," Chrom answered before his eyes spotted a pile of fresh cut logs that some of the others had chopped, an idea coming to mind and caused a broad grin to spread on his face before he marched over to the pile, bent down and picked up a rather tall, thick cut log. He turned on his heel and without any warning, swung it with both hands straight at Vaike.

"Think fast!" He yelled.

"Huh?" Vaike stupored and two seconds later, **THWACK** went flying to the side as the log made impact with his side from the force of the swing.

"HEY! WHAT THE HELL CHROM?!" Vaike yelled as he pushed himself back to his feet and had a hand clutching at the place the log had hit, staring with widened eyes at the Lord. Chrom held a smug smirk on as he wound back with the log, preparing to unleash another swing. "Consider this an excercise in dodging!" He yelled before he swung for the Fighter again.

Vaike just barely jumped to the side to avoid it. "Hey, whoa!" He yelled as he ducked another swing that would have hit him square in the head if he hadn't.

"Come on, Chrom, this totally isn't fair!" He huffed for air as he hurled himself into a dive to get out of the way of another incoming swing and rolled quickly into a crouch. It was then he realized that with all his moving about, they had made a half-circle and Chrom was standing near where he'd been and he was close to where Chrom was. So, looking around, he caught sight of the Log pile. Dashing for it, he grabbed his own log and proceeded to charge for the Lord with a battle shout.

Soon the two were deep into a fierce match of determination to beat the other into the ground. They were swinging their respective logs with full force and taking the brunt of most hits as now, neither cared much about dodging as they both tried their damnedest to make the other submit. It was pure testosterone-amped adrenaline that fueled them to keep pushing themselves harder.

And soon enough, both gave their hardest swing and with a loud **CRRRRRAAAAAAAACCCCK!** both of their logs burst and shattered upon impact with their bodies and sent splinters and woodchips flying every-which-way. The two stood there for a long moment, frozen in the after-pose of their swing as their chests heaved as they tried to get their minds up to speed on what just happened.

Finally, Chrom dropped what was left of his Log, and Vaike did his. Wordlessly, Chrom looked to the woodpile before looking pointedly back at Vaike, before he made a dash for the pile again and Vaike was right on his heels, both grabbing yet another log of wood and they proceeded to smash and bash at one another yet again, refusing to let this end in stalemate.

This lasted for quite a while, with many of the other Shepherds passing by, only to shake their heads at them. "Men!" Lissa exclaimed, putting a hand to her forehead as she shook her own head. "I swear those two are possibly the stupidest meatheads I've ever seen!" And then walked away.

Finally all the logs, and even some of the still-larger splintered ones, had been reduced to splinter and chippings due to the tenacity and force the two exerted. Panting heavily, the two tossed aside their useless woodchips and stared one another down.

They both drew in a large breath, locked eyes, and time stood still for several long moments. Vaike broke it as he charged headlong at Chrom and tackled him, swinging a punch at the Lord. The punch connected and Chrom had no time to react from the first recoil as Vaike collided with him and bowled him completely over to the ground. Swinging out with his own punch, the two gave it everything they had as they wrestled, punched, and kicked with full force. They rolled across the ground and this entire brawl lasted for another twenty minutes. When it was over, they both lied there on their backs, heaving for breath, sweating excessively and utterly worn out.

"D-damn it..." Vaike wheezed. "You just barely got me that time with your last uppercut."

"You wish, I totally squared you." Chrom replied back, just as breathless.

They slowly caught their breath after a few moments and slowly pushed themselves to sit up. Vaike groaned heavily as he looked down at all of the woodchips and splinterings that were scattered around them.

"Dude, I think I've got splinters in places there shouldn't be splinters!" He whined.

Chrom let out a tired snort and was slowly picking some of the larger splinters out of his skin already. "Shut up and take it like a man, Vaike." He goaded back.

Vaike scowled at him and made an indignant noise. "Shut up, arse."

Chrom only let out a small laugh before he got to his feet. He tiredly held his hand out for the other to take, and when the man did, hauled him up to his feet. "Come on, Vaike. Let's see what we can do about those splinters that are supposedly in places they shouldn't be."

"Tch! Arse. Just you wait. One of these day's the Vaike's gonna make you regret all of your teasing with one super-filled Vaike thrashing!" Vaike grumbled as he allowed the Lord to slide an arm around his shoulder and begin leading him back to the barracks.

"Oh?" Chrom teased again, smiling cheekily over at the other. "Well, let me know when you're at that level. I'm kind of having trouble invisioning this right now."

Vaike snorted and elbowed the Lord hard in the ribs. "Shut up, would you?"

They made it back to Vaike's room in the barracks and Chrom pushed the other to sit down on his bed before he shed his belt that held Falchion to it and tossed it down, before unhooking the other belt that went up and over his shoulder, and then undid his cloak and let it pool to the ground and lastly, shed his tunic and stretched, gaining a few hard and loud-sounding pops from his body before he crawled behind Vaike and sat down, cracking his fingers.

"Please tell me that's not a precursor to more pain, man, I don't think my body can take much more of it for the day." Vaike mumbled with a heavy sigh.

Chrom hummed in response, before he set about to picking out the splinters that were embedded all across Vaike's exposed back and made sure he'd gotten them all before he moved on to picking out the rest that were sticking out of him before once more returning to his back and began to knead and massage the abused and flared skin.

"Oh, yeah, that's great..." Vaike sighed as his eyes fell shut and relaxed under Chrom's ministrations.

The Lord worked until Vaike's entire back was relaxed before he reached forward, sliding his hands around to grasp the other man by his arms and pulled him back until he was resting flush against his chest. "Better?" Chrom asked.

"Much, thanks." Vaike replied with a lethargic slur to his voice before he yawned a moment later.

Chrom chuckled, resting his chin on the others shoulder. "You're welcome." He replied.

They stayed like that for some time before Chrom finally gave out a sigh and slowly shifted, maneouvering Vaike's still relaed body to lay down before he climbed over him to stand up again.

"Huh...s'wrong?" Vaike slurred, eyelids fluttering. He'd been in a mild doze.

"Nothing, but I'm fairly sure if I don't return and check in with Emm, she'll worry." Chrom replied with a smile as he started putting his tunic back on before refastening his cloak and putting his belts back on, securing them in place and straightening out his appearance as best as he could.

"Bah," Vaike snorted but nodded his head in acknowledgement.

"Don't worry, I'll be back." Chrom replied amusedly, leaning over the bed to poke Vaike in the chest. "So go ahead and take a nap and I'll wake you up before dinner."

Vaike half-heartedly swatted Chrom's finger off his chest and snorted. "The Vaike doesn't take naps," He replied, but the statement became moot when he gave out a yawn a moment later.

"Of course," Chrom replied wryly, gazing fondly at the other before he sighed again and turned to leave.

Vaike grabbed his wrist and stopped the Lord, making Chrom turn back to look at him. Cracking his eyes open, Vaike looked at Chrom before he yanked the other's arm hard, sending the Lord stumbling forward off balance and he fell forward. Right into Vaike's awaiting arms and a moment later, the Fighter's lips were against Chrom's.

A moment later, Chrom pulled back and stared into Vaike's still slitted open eyes before he let out an amused sound, lips curling into a soft smile, before he pushed himself up off of the other, reaching a hand over to tug affectionately at the man's wild hair before he turned once again and left without any words.

Vaike gave a grin as he saw Chrom's back disappear from beyond the doorway and let his eyes slip shut again and sighed comfortably. A nap sounded very good at this moment, so without needing any further incentive, he slipped off into a serene slumber.

**End**

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><p>OMGWTFDQBLIZZARDS, BATMAN. Um, yeah. I don't really have anything to comment. I think my brain is utterly still in numb shock over the shit I just spewed. Uh, yeah, what the hell did I just write? Like, seriously. xDDD<p>

Also, this is kind of set Post-Awakening, I guess? Since, yeah, Emmeryn and all. Stfu, it's my fic. LOOPHOLES AND PLOTHOLES TO JUMP THROUGH AND ABUSE AND WHATNOT. xDDD

So, uh, yeah, feel free to explode/combust/implode and otherwise spazz out in weirdness at the utter crack I have just delivered to you all.

Jesus Christ, I'm not sure if I need brain bleach or if this will be enough to make me ship it. LOL. Oh God, halp, my brain, I can't.

I'll let you know when I return back to a more "normal" plane of crack-land rather than whatever higher plane of crack-land I am in right now.

And if you're gonna kill me, please make it a quick one because this was torture enough. LOL


End file.
